The clash for power. The clash of ideals. The tipping point. The boiling point. The point of no return. Whatever you call it, the moment it erupts can have devastating consequences. That moment can also provide incredible catharsis. Often, it offers both.

Basically, it comes down to one person wants one thing and another person wants something different or has serious concerns. So you express those concerns. The other person becomes increasingly frustrated. So frustrated in fact that what follows is the not uncommon but also not productive downward spiral into defensiveness and disintegrating communication.

It may start out innocently at first. In an attempt to diffuse the tension, someone may try a retreat defense. That looks something like this: “Well, I think it’s important and I want to talk about it but if you don’t agree then I defer to you. Whatever.” I don’t know about you, but I almost instantly recognize this for what it is, an avoidance tactic.

This moment is the moment of truth. Do you wade into this or do you leave it alone? I usually wade into those waters. I respectfully ask the other person not to defer but to engage in the discussion.

Sometimes, that’s when it goes downhill.

The specifics don’t really matter. You can guess what happens next. There is a “passionate exchange” that quickly escalates into a public shouting match. In a worst case scenario, it culminates in someone storming out of the meeting altogether. Productivity dies.

The rest of the meeting becomes hesitant and awkward. The remaining party usually withdraws and offers only what is absolutely necessary instead of bringing their best. The team misses an opportunity to take their effectiveness to the next level by working through the disagreement without disintegration. It is unnecessary and unfortunate.

And ultimately, it is the leader’s fault.

The buck stops with the leader. Always. In whatever circumstance. Whether they think that or not and whether they own it or not.

In my sordid little tale, what if the leader (who stormed out) had reacted differently? What if he or she had made their case in a calm manner along with reasoned arguments that supported that position? What if he or she had taken the lead and set out a strong vision and then invited us into how to make that vision a reality? What if he or she had refused to lose their temper, no matter how frustrated they were?

I have been fortunate to work for some incredible leaders in my career. Men and women who confidently and consistently cast a vision, set the direction, and lead the charge. There were great successes achieved in those environments. I have also worked for some ineffective leaders, too. Men and women who were self absorbed, timid, and completely unsure of themselves.

And in neither case did the team ever succeed, working under whichever leader, in spite of this fact. The quality of the leader always had a direct correlation to the success of the team. Always.

What’s important to remember here is that the leader sets the tone. When there is insecurity, lack of clarity, and lack of direction, the organization struggles to know who they are meant to be and therefore, what they are meant to do. What you are left with is an organization (team, partnership, business, company) that gets in its own way and a leader who feels increasingly disconnected from the reality of a place he or she just doesn’t recognize anymore.

So, if you are a leader, take stock.  Ask yourself some important questions about the effect of your behavior:

• Who am I being as a leader?
• What impact is that having on my organization?
• Where am I not being clear?
• What are some ways I can provide both vision and direction without micromanaging?
• How can I know that I am being an effective leader?

If you are working or serving under a leader who is getting in their own way, what can you do? First of all, you must recognize there is a limit to what you can do. Ultimately, you can’t change them. The individual will have to make that choice for themselves. However, you aren’t helpless.

There are things you can do:

• You can lovingly and respectfully ask some of the questions above.
• You can send them the link to this blog (or another that you really like).
• You can choose to be very calm and clear and communicate how this leader’s behavior is impacting you and your ability to perform.
• You can walk away.

Sometimes, that’s the best thing for all involved. Don’t waste your energy  if it’s just not working. Go in search of the environment that will allow you to work at your best.

What has your experience been? When have you seen this principle play out in the real world (positive or negative)? What advice would you offer to the person dealing with an ineffective leader? 

Share your stories and I’ll write a follow up post in a week or so.